A Monster Is All I'll Ever Be
by Observing From Afar
Summary: Finally, after years of horrid blood, fatigued sweat, and devastating tears it's over. Finally over. Finally for the past year it's been over. Finally the titans are gone. Wiped clean from the face of the earth. But...But not quite. There still remained a certain emerald eyed titan shifter. Oneshot. Rated M because of slight yxBoy, don't like, don't read. Review and Fav!


**Okay, I got bored and I was listening to sad songs and watching sad MEPs and AMVs, so I had an idea and decided to write this sad one shot. Probably has triggers. This takes place nine or ten years later. Probably has OOCness so sorry about that. Might contain spoilers from the manga idk. This is Ereri/Riren. Ignore my mistakes please. Has slight yaoi, meaning boy x boy so you don't like don't read. Sorry if this made you cry...try to enjoy the read meh**

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One year ago, humanity celebrated it's immense victory in the gruesome war against the man-eating giants, titans. Even though it was time to finally take a well deserved break, work was still going to happen either way. Everyone had taken a part in creating a clean slate for humanity. From helping rebuild cities to traveling outside the walls to find new land to claim and spread their race.

Through those years of hard and painstaking work slaughtering the horrible existence of titans, people have come to accept Eren as one of them, a human. So in the end Eren was saved from people who thought other. Although he was unscathed and freed from harms way, Eren was among the individuals who thought other of himself.

Overtime Eren began looking at everything about himself in the wrong direction. In his eyes, everything he has ever done was for naught. Even though he completed the objective of a mission he only cried and felt hatred toward himself for letting even people die. He would think things like "I did it but I caused all the problems that almost made it fail" and "too many casualties happened to be happy, and I probably was the cause of them all." Staring into a mirror, he only saw the monster he presumed he was.

Eren had fallen into a black abyss of depression and was swallowed whole. Every second of every hour of every day he felt that his presence in the world meant nothing and that nothing would change if it was erased. He was filled to the brim with guilt of things that he wasn't responsible for. He just automatically put everything on his shoulders as if he could handle it.

He developed a case of insomnia, where it was a miracle if he got more than three to four hours of sleep. Eren lost interest in everything there was to do and even thought eating was a meaningless action and dropped significantly in strength and weight. (Mikasa, of course, had, when she could, forced Eren to take naps or eat.) People were very boring and aggravating as well so he tried to isolate himself from people by buying a small home away from everyone to keep them from worrying over his worthless self. His anger issues only got worse as well, breaking into terrifying fits of rage and violence because (he of course had nothing else to do with being isolated and all) he remembered everything he had ever done in the past.

At times like these, when he trapped himself in a corner by his own thoughts, he got angry and sad. Very angry and sad. So angry with himself he began to act on his own and "punish" himself for being a horrible person. No, not a person. He wasn't human. He would punish himself for being a complete monster. He would slit his wrists, legs, or any skin he could reach with a knife. If he didn't have a knife during those times he would use the next best thing. His nails. He scratched and clawed himself as many times as he could manage without turning into the giant piece of flesh and disgrace he never wanted to be. Then, he would cry tears of painful sorrow. Not because it hurt, but because when he regenerated, it only reminded him of why he had done this to himself in the first place. He only longed to be able to scar like a normal being, like a human.

To be human.

Eren knew it was selfish to think this but, he usually got so enraged and boiling he would began to wish he could die. He thought it would be much better to just, die. Be freed of the worthless body with the worthless power. Eventually, he tried to commit suicide but unfortunately for Eren, Armin had decided to visit without letting him know. Armin had known that Eren was rather depressed but he was shocked to find out the true height of the his problems. Of course after he managed to get Eren to calm down and explain himself, he tried to show Eren that suicide wasn't the answer and that he was wrong about himself. But even Armins very wise and carefully picked words were useless, Eren just tried his best to make it seem like Armins words had a big impact on him. They didn't though, so when Armin left he just cried once more, and got angry at himself for lying to his best friend.

No one agreed with his views when he talked to someone about his conflict between himself. People tried to make him change his opinion about himself, but he wouldn't hear it any other way. Only one person really accepted the fact that Eren had changed his perspective on life and that the pain from it was never going to be lifted. That person was his life line. His only way of numbing the pain. His only reason for fighting amongst comrades even if casualties had happened. His only reason to calm down and to lower the blade from near his throat. His only sample of what it would be like if he had an ordinary life. His special someone. His lover.

Levi Ackerman.

Levi was the only one that wouldn't fight with him or his views. The only one that would not make him angry. The only one that made him feel like he was human. The only one that loved him unconditionally. (Other than Mikasa)The only one that made him calm. The one that was willing to do anything for him. The one that was embracing him. The one that was now trying contain his (his as in: Levi's) pleas to reconsider his (his as in Eren's) request. The one that was now crying. The one that was now stained with his blood. The one that had broken down in front of everyone to see, not caring what others thought. The one that had followed him to the afterlife.

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~Before this took place~

Finally Eren had enough. He couldn't stand walking on the same earth as humans, for he thought he was contaminating it with his mere presence. After one long session of enraged punishment he decided that it was finally time to make it happen. To finish what he never wanted to start.

To die.

He didn't want to make a scene or have many people know about it because he didn't want people to waste their time on him. He also wanted to make sure that his "mission" was preformed and completed without casualties. As in making sure he successfully got killed and freed of his worries of committing more disastrous doings. He asked the one person that understood him and would do anything for him to come with him on his final outing.

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Levi had known for a while of his lovers state of well being. He couldn't argue with him because he knew how stubborn the man was. Levi couldn't do anything to help, but accept it. Even though he accepted the fact that Eren was full of negativity about life, that didn't mean he was happy or content with it. He wished that he could convince Eren that he was simply a human. That he wasn't a problem, he had problems. The two were very different from each other. And that a problem can be fixed. The rebuilding and reclaiming of land had taken place a year ago and was very near to finishing. That meant that if Eren was right about the basement. They could finally go and find a cure. They could fix his problem.

He noticed that Eren was at peace when he was around with him, so he tried his best not to break it by mentioning his compromise. Sometimes when he felt it was alright, he would carefully cross the line and hint Eren what he was thinking. He tried to create a conversation that he could take over and let out his thoughts. Sometimes he was successful but Eren would just think about it for a minute, then say things like "It doesn't matter anymore" or "That won't get rid of my doings in the past". Levi just gave up on Eren and his thoughts and returned to quiet peace.

Even though Levi knew the day would come, he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was. That day, as in today, as in the day Eren was to retire from his duties on Earth. To worsen the blow on his emotional wound, Eren had requested Levi to come with him and do it himself.

"He was speechless and hadn't noticed the tears coming down his face until Eren had wiped them, and kissed where he removed his hand. Eren then pulled Levi into a large embrace, he didn't seem bothered by the fact that Levi still had his 3DMG on and that it was jabbing him in the thigh. All Levi could do was hug back. As he did so he tried to concentrate and study on the many details of Eren's body. His pleasant aroma. His thin body. His reassuring grip. His slick locks of hair running through his now trembling fingers. He tried to remember because it was the last time it was going to happen.

"Before I leave, let's go eat something. I'm a bit peckish."Eren broke through Levi's swirling thoughts and brought him back to the sad reality.

"...,"Levi was silent. He didn't know what to say, so instead he gave a shaky nod before letting Eren end the embrace. After letting go, Eren gave a smile that somehow expressed sadness, relief, and reassurance all at the same time.

Eren guided the silent Levi by the hand to a pastry shop near where they had their final embrace. He knew Levi was to dumbfounded to talk so he ordered his and Levi's favorite baked goods and tea. The whole time while eating Levi had not said a word, and Eren was fine with that. Though he wished that he didn't have such a shocked reaction. Who wouldn't though? But, the last thing he wanted to do was to leave Levi worried. He wanted to make sure Levi knew that it was okay. He wasn't being forced to do this, it was by choice.

The whole time Levi had been thinking of a way to talk Eren out of it. He knew it was nothing like himself to go and try to argue with Eren about his feelings, but he was too selfish to let Eren go. He knew it was going to be hard, because when the man had a goal he would pursue it and complete it. In the end Levi gave up he couldn't do anything. Maybe he could try to run away? No he couldn't do that. He'll just try not to break for Eren's sake, even though he was already at his limit.

Once Eren had finished eating he grabbed Levi by the hand and led him out of the small shop.

That was when Levi couldn't take it anymore. He didn't care that Eren wouldn't have it any other way. He didn't care that he had began to raise his voice. He didn't care that he had caused an unwanted scene.

"Eren please don't make me do this. Please don't make me do this. Please. Please!"Levi's sudden outburst surprised many people and turned heads. Humanity's strongest soldier was now begging and pleading for his love to not make him do this horrible act for his lover.

"Levi. I already know what I want. There's nothing anyone can do to convince me otherwise. No one could do anything for the past decade. Could you at least do me this last favor? I don't want anyone else to do it but you." Eren gave a melancholy smile towards Levi who was now internally panicking not knowing what to do. He just stood stiff, like a porcelain doll. Some people had gathered around looking and listening to what was going on. Obviously confused as to what Eren was implying.

As if to help Levi with the action, he grabbed Levi's hand with one of his own and reached for a blade from his 3DMG with the other. He then placed the blade in Levi's shaking hand and aimed it toward his own heart."How about we do it right now, I have nothing else to do so might as well get it over with." He smiled once more and waited for a reply.

"Levi was still as frozen as a sculpture, before he began to cry. He cried and he cried. Many people were shocked and trying to get a grasp at was going on, but Levi could care less. He dropped the sword and flung himself toward Eren. Eren got a hold of the shorter male and kissed him with all the passion and love he had left of his withering self. Levi took a second to respond and kiss back, but when he did he made sure it was better then any he had ever had with Eren before. They released them selves from each other's mouths to refill their lungs and give a very heavy-hearted embrace.

"E-Eren", Levi tried to regain his composure, only to have his voice crack.

"Levi. It's alright." Eren let go of Levi and picked the blade up once more. He held it out for Levi, wanting to know if he had accepted the fact that he was going to die right here right now.

Levi peered through his blurry eyesight (from crying so much) that Eren was offering the blade for him. Levi really couldn't do anything but to accept the sad truth and to do one last thing for his love. He accepted the blade, hugged Eren once more, whispered "I love you" through a hoarse voice and then kissed him before thrusting the blade into Eren's heart. Eren let out a painful gasp and Levi let out devastated cries all while still locking their lips. He could feel the brunet smile one last time while kissing him but all that did was make Levi feel worse and worse about what he had just done, even if it was Eren's plan to do so.

Levi pulled the blade out and held on to Eren's now lifeless, smiling body. He couldn't believe this had just happened. He couldn't believe he actually did what the brat said. He couldn't believe anything.

A large crowd of people were now gathered around, looking very shocked, confused, and pitiful. Levi didn't care at all. He couldn't live without Eren. He just couldn't. He looked at the hand that had forced its way towards Eren in disgust. Something had clicked in Levi and he went insane for a moment. He told himself that his hand was horrible. It needed to die for killing Eren. It had killed Eren and it needed to pay the price. Before he had cut his hand off, (stopping in mid air)he then realized that he was the one controlling his hand. He concluded that it was him. Him. He caused Eren to die. It was his fault. He needed to die, not only to avenge Eren but to be with him. There was nothing left here on earth anyways. He didn't have any family or friends that were alive anymore, and humanity sure as hell didn't need him anymore. Through his foggy thoughts he figured the best thing for him to do was to go down with his lover.

Someone had called an officer to come over and stop Levi but it was too late. And now with the deed done he was going to calm down and enjoy his last breaths before following after Eren.

'_Hopefully you haven't run off too far, brat. I'm gonna come after you no matter what_,' Levi had chuckled at the thought as he brought the blade down to his stomach, let out a final tear and pushed. The crowd had gasped and some people even screamed as they saw humanity's strongest soldier fall limp.

Though some people had said they both looked at peace as they lay beside each other.

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**Levi and Eren were pretty OOC weren't they?**

**((BTW I only know how depression and self harm works by what I've read so far. So I'm very sorry if this fanfic has personally offended you because you have dealt with these type of things in the past.))**

**So sorry! It's depressing I know (~)**

**Anyways bye~ I hope I didn't ruin your day by making this~**


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